I didn't intend for this to be a "New Year's Reflection" post, but alas, it is. I'm just going to share what I wrote in my journal today, I hope it resonates with you.
12.30.18
I feel compelled to share my thoughts and revelations as of late but as I sit to write, they are a mash of unfinished thoughts and excitements swirling around in my heard, refusing to connect or organize. I am tired and I need a nap, but while my son is napping I want to take this time to write. I want to record these thoughts so I do not forget them when they are needed. Holy Spirit, please work in me to organize what I am trying to communicate.
Today during, church, I teared up because suddenly I was overcome with the overwhelming feeling of gratefulness for how blessed I am. I am free to worship in a church, that is decorated beautifully for Christmas, with other believers who are kind and caring. It dawned on me just the other day, that I pray for blessing and protection daily, and you know what? God has blessed me and and protected me and my family, DAILY, this year. Month after month, I reflect on God's answered prayers and have overlooked the huge one that God has answered for me every day. I have been praying for blessing and protections as a response to fear of a future attack while overlooking and taking for granted the fact that God has been doing that in my life, DAILY.
God has also been faithful to reveal himself to me in new and exciting ways this year. It has been a year of learning to trust God. I struggle with conflicting emotions. I daily recognize that I am so unbelievably blessed and filled with joy at that, and also, at the same time, filled with incredible sadness and fear and confusion about what is going on in our world. I want God to use me and to do great things for Him, and yet at the same time I just want to be comfortable and at peace in my little safe bubble.
I have been feeling guilty over my lack of trust in God. I BEG for His protection every day and I am terrified of something horrible happening to my family. A few weeks go, I was listening to a Proverbs 31 Ministries podcast, lead by Lysa Teurkerst and something jumped out at me. Do you know who else was terrified and BEGGED God to take the cup from him? Jesus. In the garden of Gesthemane, just before Jesus was taken into custody to die a brutal death on the cross, he prayed and begged God for another way, for a less painful way, and easier way, a safer way. But he ultimately prayed for God's will to be done and He was obedient, even to the point of death on a cross.
God is not condemning me for wanting a safe, peaceful, comfortable life -- He want's the best possible life for us too. But because we live in an imperfect world, sometimes he might allow hurt in our lives in order to make us better and to prepare us for the perfect world He intended for us. Sometimes it might be hurt so unbearable, we will never understand it in this lifetime. But I know this, as much as I want peace and comfort in this life, I want God's will for my life and this world, because I know God is good. So this year I choose to trust in the LORD no matter what comes my way -- the good, the bad, and the ugly. That doesn't mean that I am always going to like or understand it, but I will trust.
My pastor spoke this morning on having "Chazown" or vision in our lives. He shared and incredible prayer by Sir Francis Drake:
I do not want to think small. I do not want underestimate what is possible. The Disney Princess in my sings at the top of her lungs "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere!" Would Belle have gotten her fairy tale ending if her father had not been imprisoned by the beast? Would she have had a happy ending if she had not sacrificed and pushed through and persevered to get to know the beast? No!
God, unsettle me this year, give me adventure in the great wide somewhere (which may just be trying to potty train a toddler this year, but that's OK too!) but most importantly, create in my a pure heart, who longs for you and your will, and trusts in you. Amen.
Happy New Year!
