This past weekend at my church a man down on his luck and high on something came into our church service and shook things up. He talked loud over my pastor's message, was disruptive, acted very strange and caused the other homeless men who attend our church services to cuss him out and then leave part way through the service.
I was sitting by myself in the back of the church, and this man happened to sit right behind me.
I am an anxiety ridden, fearful, meek, timid, introverted person.
I am especially afraid of men I do not know who are acting strange and most
likely under the influence of some sort of substance abuse.
As I heard him speaking out, I refused to look back at him.
If I looked at him he might try to talk to me, he would see me, he would know that I knew he was there.
I flashed back to a time at another church when a strange man who wandered our town sat right next to me in a church service. He acted strangely too, and I was afraid the whole time. And when it came time to hold hands and pray at the end of the service,
I moved up a row and left him hanging. Another young man stepped up in between us and held his hand and mine.
I was ashamed.
I was not strong enough to let God conquer my fears and be loving toward this man.
Present day: as our church service progressed, I felt the urge of the spirit call me to pray for the strange man sitting behind me. I felt my heart pumping and when the pastor asked us to take a minute to pray, I stood up and turned around, seeing the man for the first time, I was a little surprised at what he looked like.
I asked him his name and then put my hand on his shoulder and prayed for him.
I prayed that the Spirit would quiet the voices in his head so that he may hear the message God has for him. I prayed over him thinking that the Spirit was going to quiet him and allow us to resume church service as normal.
Well, that did not happen.
But as I sat back down, my adrenaline at it's peak and my heart racing so hard that it literally felt like I was having contractions in my lower back, I realized something.
The Spirit did not quiet him, but the Spirit did something in me: It made me brave.
I was no longer afraid of the man.
I now know his name, and I will be praying for him.
All this to say, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for doing this
and then a couple of days later...
I ran into someone I really admire as an artist in my local dance community and they asked me if I was still coaching dance team.
Backstory: I was the head coach of a high school dance team for two years, at a pretty big high school with a great athletic program. I could not rally the numbers I needed to have a successful program and after two years of stress and frustration, I resigned.
I felt like a failure. Something about me was not good enough to make people want to stay and try something new and work for something I LOVED and poured my heart and soul into.
The question caught me off guard, and I felt awkward and embarrassed as I explained I was no longer coaching.
I know that things didn't work out because God had other plans for me, but my prideful spirit heaped back on the shame for failing at MY plans.
I spent the night thinking about how I had felt so proud over something as small as praying for a stranger (totally not something I should be prideful over) and then an innocent question reminded me of my failure and knocked me off my high horse.
To add to that, Wednesday morning I woke up sensing that God wanted me to fast for the day.
I set out to do it...until breakfast hit and my husband offered me oatmeal and I instantly gave in and thought,
"I'll try fasting another day."
Today I took a personal day to stay home from work and work on organizing a shelf full of craft stuff and random miscellaneous items that I have been putting off making decisions on so that I could move craft stuff from my linen closet onto that shelf and actually have room for some of my linens in the linen closet. I felt so accomplished when I completed my goal, and then I thought of all the stuff I still have to sort through and make decisions on. Oh and by the way I also spent a lot of my spare time today on social media instead of reading one of the many books I have on my nightstand or getting on the elliptical or going for a walk, and I had to take my son to the babysitter in order to get what I did do done. Cue the mom guilt. I cried after I dropped him off. I know he is safe a cared for there, but I shouldn't be taking him if I have a day off, right? Heat comes to my face and I am physically blushing right now due to shame of all all my sins (this could also be a result of the glass of wine I just had to treat myself for accomplishing my goal today, but I digress...)
Clutter will always be a struggle for me.
Eating healthy and exercising regularly will always be a struggle for me.
Being a good mom will always be a struggle for me.
Pride and selfishness will always be a struggle for me.
Not being afraid will always be a struggle for me.
Thorns in my side.
I am reminded of Paul:
2 Corinthians 12:7-9
"...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
I am reminded of God's grace, and Christ's willingness to stand in my gaps and be my strength when I am so very weak.
Whatever you are struggling with today, I hope you are encouraged to know that you are not alone!
Grace & Peace,
