I don't journal very diligently, but last week I had time and I was inspired from my bible reading, so I did while Landon was sleeping. Right now he's out on a walk with Dad so I thought I might share my journal entry with you all instead of taking a shower, because, priorities right?
Wednesday, July 12th
After a semi-difficult night with Landon, he is now asleep in the swing. Joel went out to run some errands and I am having some quiet time. I haven't showered in 2 days (*note from the editor; I'm sensing a theme here, I promise I am not an unhygienic person!) and now would probably be a good time to do that, except I am too paranoid to leave Landon asleep, alone, in the swing even if only for 10 minutes. In desperation I gave in a suggested we try putting Landon to sleep in the swing at 5 am this morning. It worked, he's still alive and Joel and I were able to get a couple more hours of sleep.
My bible readings this week are from 1 Samuel and it starts with the story of Hannah. She could not conceive and she wanted a child so badly that she promised to give him up to the Lord if he granted her prayers. He did, and she followed through by giving him over to be raised by the priest, Eli, after having weaned him; his name Samuel. What a faithful woman. I cannot fathom wanting a child so badly only to give him away after a year, even knowing that it was for a higher purpose.
I can see that, right now, I am holding my child back from the Lord by holding on to earthly worries, fears and anxieties. I feel guilty at times for bringing a life into this world that has so many evils and horrible travesties. I worry about being able to protect my baby. Did I make the right choice by having a child?
I am such an anxious person, one of my sin struggles. How can I even imagine having another child in the future when I worry so much over this one? I think of Hannah. God is not asking me to physically give my son to him, but to raise him up in faith. I need to trust the Lord's plans for our lives and for Landon. I need to stop worrying and seek the Lord with prayer and petition and trust that God will provide and protect our family.
Dear Lord, please bless and protect our family. Please give Joel and I wisdom to parent. I lift Landon up to you that he would grow to become a great man of faith. Strengthen him and bless him with wisdom, that he will do great things for you in this world. Amen!
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