2017 Reflection

2017

The year that I became a mom.

It's not surprising, then, that in my most popular 9 posts on Instagram this year, my son is in most almost all of them!

It has definitely been a year of growth for me. 

I put off having a baby for a long time. 

When I became pregnant, I felt a twinge of guilt. I know amazing women who have been trying and trying for a baby for so long, and I, just finally deciding to go for it, still not feeling ready or yearning, conceived after 3 months of trying. 

I had a fairly easy pregnancy. I enjoyed being pregnant. the last couple of month were not the most comfortable; I struggled with pregnancy induced hypertension and was forced to go on bed rest a month before my due date, beside that the sleepless nights filled with heartburn and bathroom trips, my pregnancy was enjoyable (although maybe I've already forgotten the worst parts of it!)

I always thought I would give birth the natural way, without any pain medication, just like my mom did, and then I found out I was going to need a scheduled C-section. 

I was pretty scared going to into, but in the end, it was great!

One moment I was pregnant and then BAM--I'm a mom.

We have been so blessed to have had so much help and support over the last 6 months--I don't know what I would have done without our family and friends.

The first 3 months of my son's life I was a huge mixed up mess of emotions (I still have my moments, not going to lie!) While I fiercely loved my baby, I was not in love with being a mom. I had absolutely no idea how to be mom. I lived in constant fear and anxiety that my son was going to die or be kidnapped. I was consumed with the fear that I had made the wrong choice by bringing another life into a world where horrible evils exist. 

I knew I needed to give my worries to God and trust that, even though bad things may happen, he is in control, and something good can come from every bad thing. With much prayer, on my part and others, I slowly began to let go and let God be my Prince of Peace.

Joel and I made the decision for me to return to work part-time. The school I was at would not be able to make that accommodation for me, so I made the decision to leave and find a new school.

I am thankful that God allowed me to make that decision and everything fell into place and I was hired at a new school within 2 weeks. I often struggle with making decisions like that because I feel that I would be letting people down by leaving. I would worry that people would think I was giving up on my students. I do think that some people my have thought that about me, but I am continually reminded that it doesn't matter what other people think, what matters it what is in your heart. I am blessed to have had my time at my old school, with those co-workers and students. Every season has a purpose, and I continue to pray for everyone there, every day. Going to part-time helped ease my heart pains in returning to work, by the way, and so far, I am very much enjoying my new school.

I've always prided myself in being a sensitive person--but becoming a mom has opened up new levels of sensitivity that I never knew existed! Every time I see bad things happen to people--even bad things happening to bad people-- I can help but think: they were an innocent baby once. They were an innocent child once. Maybe they had a parent to who ached over their love for them or maybe they never experience the love of a parent. What happened to them? 

I've become more sensitive to what I watch on TV, to the words that come out of my mouth, to the way I behave when I am upset, and even to kids asking for ice packs when they have a minor accident in PE (haha--OK maybe I've just given into that one!) I have become more fervent in seeking a relationship with God. I enjoy studying the bible and praying. Oh and did I mention yet that I LOVE being "Mama" to my adorable son?!

I think I could have gone on living my life without a child and been perfectly happy--but God knew I needed a child to change my view of the world. My freshman year of college I journaled about reading the verse Luke 13:34:

"...how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!"

I was amazed at the tenderness Jesus spoke as to how he longs to comfort us; like a hen to her chicks, like a mother to her child. Now that I am a mother, I am endeared to my Jesus even more as I long to comfort my child when he is sad, tired or sick. I can only vaguely imagine what it must feel like to love something so dearly and have your heart broken as they choose to go down a path that will hurt them. This is the God that I serve. My Abba Father. My Mighty Savior, my Prince of Peace.

So as I look into the new year, I look on with hope.

Bad things may happen, but I can hope, because Jesus came to save, not to condemn. 

In this year, 2018, I feel called to seek opportunities to bless others. Whether that means donating money, spending time with them, offering a kind word or a prayer, listening, or bestowing gifts.

Looking back on my goals from last year , I see the only one I accomplished was getting ready for the baby, which lets be honest, wouldn't have happened without the help of my mom & mother-in-law! So let's just say I'll shift those goals up another year! ;)

Congratulations if you made it through this whole long post, and #sorrynotsorry for all of the typos, as I have said before, I'm lazy and I don't edit before I post :P

Happy New Year and may you experience peace and blessings this year!