Breaking out of the Cocoon that is Myself

I while back, I attended a class at my church in which my pastor posed the question:

"Do you have the tendency to 'cocoon' into your 'church' friends?"

At the time, I pridefully answered no. 

Throughout my life, I've struggled to find where I fit in. Even having been raised in the church, I have often felt like I was on the outside looking in.

While I've never turned away from God, I have definitely felt bitter toward the church at my inability to find my niche. I have, however, also been bitter toward my friends outside of the "church" community. I've felt left out, or made to feel different than them. I've always struggled with feeling like there is something about me that is not interesting or fun enough to be apart of someone's "inner circle".

I've been pondering the question lately, and doing some "soul searching" and I had the revelation that the actual answer to this question for me is that I cocoon into MYSELF. I am stingy with my time and I hold back my true self quite often for fear of coming off awkward or stupid. 

As I have begun this journey of cocooning into God, he is working on bringing me out and turning me into a butterfly. 

The more I press into the God, the less I fear, the less anxiety I have, the more bold and creative I feel. I am learning to be my true self, and that true self is someone who is more willing to say "YES!"  and take risks and be more giving of myself. 

Just as a caterpillar becomes new life, a butterfly, Christ longs to do something new in each of us.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

2 Corinthians 5:17

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

Thank you God for doing new things in me!

Photo credit and inspiration due to my mom, who spent a lovely day with me attending a lavender farm and festival :)

The Thorns in My Side

This past weekend at my church a man down on his luck and high on something came into our church service and shook things up. He talked loud over my pastor's message, was disruptive, acted very strange and caused the other homeless men who attend our church services to cuss him out and then leave part way through the service. 

I was sitting by myself in the back of the church, and this man happened to sit right behind me.

I am an anxiety ridden, fearful, meek, timid, introverted person. 

I am especially afraid of men I do not know who are acting strange and most 

likely under the influence of some sort of substance abuse.

As I heard him speaking out, I refused to look back at him.

If I looked at him he might try to talk to me, he would see me, he would know that I knew he was there. 

I flashed back to a time at another church when a strange man who wandered our town sat right next to me in a church service. He acted strangely too, and I was afraid the whole time. And when it came time to hold hands and pray at the end of the service, 

I moved up a row and left him hanging. Another young man stepped up in between us and held his hand and mine.

I was ashamed.

I was not strong enough to let God conquer my fears and be loving toward this man.

Present day: as our church service progressed, I felt the urge of the spirit call me to pray for the strange man sitting behind me. I felt my heart pumping and when the pastor asked us to take a minute to pray, I stood up and turned around, seeing the man for the first time, I was a little surprised at what he looked like.

I asked him his name and then put my hand on his shoulder and prayed for him.

I prayed that the Spirit would quiet the voices in his head so that he may hear the message God has for him. I prayed over him thinking that the Spirit was going to quiet him and allow us to resume church service as normal.

Well, that did not happen.

But as I sat back down, my adrenaline at it's peak and my heart racing so hard that it literally felt like I was having contractions in my lower back, I realized something.

The Spirit did not quiet him, but the Spirit did something in me: It made me brave.

I was no longer afraid of the man.

I now know his name, and I will be praying for him.

All this to say, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for doing this 

and then a couple of days later...

I ran into someone I really admire as an artist in my local dance community and they asked me if I was still coaching dance team.

Backstory: I was the head coach of a high school dance team for two years, at a pretty big high school with a great athletic program. I could not rally the numbers I needed to have a successful program and after two years of stress and frustration, I resigned. 

I felt like a failure. Something about me was not good enough to make people want to stay and try something new and work for something I LOVED and poured my heart and soul into. 

The question caught me off guard, and I felt awkward and embarrassed as I explained I was no longer coaching.

I know that things didn't work out because God had other plans for me, but my prideful spirit heaped back on the shame for failing at MY plans.

I spent the night thinking about how I had felt so proud over something as small as praying for a stranger (totally not something I should be prideful over) and then an innocent question reminded me of my failure and knocked me off my high horse.

To add to that, Wednesday morning I woke up sensing that God wanted me to fast for the day.

I set out to do it...until breakfast hit and my husband offered me oatmeal and I instantly gave in and thought, 

"I'll try fasting another day."

Today I took a personal day to stay home from work and work on organizing a shelf full of craft stuff and random miscellaneous items that I have been putting off making decisions on so that I could move craft stuff from my linen closet onto that shelf and actually have room for some of my linens in the linen closet. I felt so accomplished when I completed my goal, and then I thought of all the stuff I still have to sort through and make decisions on. Oh and by the way I also spent a lot of my spare time today on social media instead of reading one of the many books I have on my nightstand or getting on the elliptical or going for a walk, and I had to take my son to the babysitter in order to get what I did do done. Cue the mom guilt. I cried after I dropped him off. I know he is safe a cared for there, but I shouldn't be taking him if I have a day off, right? Heat comes to my face and I am physically blushing right now due to shame of all all my sins (this could also be a result of the glass of wine I just had to treat myself for accomplishing my goal today, but I digress...)

Clutter will always be a struggle for me.

Eating healthy and exercising regularly will always be a struggle for me.

Being a good mom will always be a struggle for me.

Pride and selfishness will always be a struggle for me.

Not being afraid will always be a struggle for me.

Thorns in my side.

I am reminded of Paul:

2 Corinthians 12:7-9

"...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

I am reminded of God's grace, and Christ's willingness to stand in my gaps and be my strength when I am so very weak.

Whatever you are struggling with today, I hope you are encouraged to know that you are not alone!

Grace & Peace,

God: Our Father & Our Mother

"...how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing."

Matthew 23:37 (NIV) 
Luke 13:34-35 (NIV)

I have been blessed with a loving, caring, God fearing mother.

She read to me, she sang to me, she did crafts with me, she signed me up and took me to dance classes, choir, summer camp, etc. She taught me about Jesus and led me to Christ when I was a young girl. She is my biggest champion, fairy godmother, teacher, and my friend.

I want to honor my mother in this post, and because I love her so deeply, and now that I am a mother and I love my son so deeply, I recognize this day may be heart wrenching for many. And because my love for Christ is growing more and more each day, I wanted to share this message with you:

The God of the universe, who is ALL powerful, Almighty, and Infinite, LONGS to mother us. He is a mighty warrior, and and at the same time tender and sweet.

The full passage of Matthew 23:37 says this:

37 “Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing."

When Jesus said this, his talking to the Hippocrates--all of us.

Even though, the people of Jerusalem had turned away from the heart of God, Jesus still longed to mother them, by gathering them like chicks under his wings.
I remember the first time that verse struck me.
I was a freshmen in college and in my journal I wrote: "God wants to love us and comfort us, we just have to let him!" and I drew a silly pictures of a mother hen with her chicks.
I was reminded of this as I have been studying the Psalms over the past month.

The book of Psalms often refers to the refuge of God's wings:

Psalm 17:8

Psalm 36:7

Psalm 57:1

Psalm 61:4

Psalm 63:7

Psalm 91:4 

In the book of Isaiah, God's mothering heart is emphasized more...

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast

    and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
    I will not forget you!"

Isaiah 49:15 (NIV)

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you..."
Isaiah 66:13 (NIV)

Some of you may have experienced the comfort of a loving mother, some of you may have been abandoned, forgotten and hurt by your mother. Some of you may be missing your mother today.

This Mother's Day, I urge you all, earthly mother or not, to take refuge under the wings of our loving God. Remember: though a  mother may abandon her child, and we may forget God, 

He will not forget us! He longs to gather us and comfort us.
Thank you God.

 Happy Mother's Day!

To Know & Be Known

Original Artwork by Me!

Unless you've been hiding under a rock, you've probably been hearing a lot about the "Enneagram" personality test lately (sorry, that was kind of harsh--maybe I should have just said, if your not on social media all the time like me!). 

For those of you haven't, the most basic explanation is that it's there are 9 existing different personality types. 

Here is a link to a brief description of each type. If you want to read more in depth about it, read here.

If you want to find out what type you are you can take a free test here.

If you feel like you were mistyped, you can pay to take a more in depth test on the Enneagram Institute.

Also, if you love music and the behind the scenes of a creative podcast, check out The Sleeping At Last Podcast where artist Ryan O'Neal has written a song for each of the Enneagram types and goes in depth behind the "why" for each song. 

I am a type 4: The Individualist

described as "The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental".

Recently, I was listening to the Risen Motherhood podcast while I was giving my son a bath that discussed "why" we humans love to take personality tests.

Later that evening I was contemplating what attribute of God I was going to focus on for the month of March, and I asked God, "What do you want me to know about you?"

And all of the sudden, it hit me:

Why do we like personality tests? Because we want to be known!

Why do we want to be known?

Because we were made in God's image and, get this:

GOD WANTS TO BE KNOWN!!!

>Insert head smack emoji<

I originally started this blog as a result of wanting to be known.
I've always felt like people have put me in a box and underestimated me (read the original explanation of the closet hippo here) and I wanted a platform to share who I am.
God does not like being put in a box and being under estimated either!
There is infinite things to know about God!

God wants me to know him. He already knows me. He wants to be my friend.

I thought to myself, what do I know about God?

What do I struggle to believe about God?

Well the bible says that God is good:

Psalm 34:8 New International Version (NIV)

Taste and see that the Lord is good;

    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

If I'm being honest,

 I quite often struggle to truly believe that God is good.

I kept thinking...

If God is good, then I can pick ANY good adjective and attribute it to God.

Being the type 4 that I am, I thought about my favorite quality that God has gifted me....

God gave me an intense desire to be CREATIVE.

So, I'm taking it back to the beginning and focusing on God the Creator.

Genesis 1:1

"In the beginning God created..."

I'd love for you to join me in my journey of getting to know God.
What's something that you have learned about God recently? Please share!

Happy Saturday!

20 Valentines from God: Affirmations that God Really Loves Us

Do you ever wonder how God feels about you?

The bible says that God is good and he loves us.

My whole life I have struggled to view God as a loving Father.

I can easily view him as an angry God--passionate with righteous indignation.

Or a warrior God fighting for whats right.

I can see Him as an awesome God, who created the heavens and earth...but a loving God?

I struggle to comprehend.

Yet, I believe that I am made in God's image, and this desire I have for people to know that they are loved, yes, that comes from God, because HE LOVES US!!

More than we can comprehend.

His love is vastly wide, long, high and deep for us. (Ephesians 3:18-19)

So I set out to find God's Valentines to us in the Bible, to share during the month of February.

God gifted me with a desire to be creative, so I got my Modpodge, and colored card stock out (thanks to my craft supply hoarding) and made some pretty juvenile looking Valentines to share with you all!

Some of the affirmations have been ingrained in my heart over the years from Sunday school, some of them were honestly things that I hope God feels for us, and maybe one of them was a romcom joke ;) 

I made a long list of all of these affirmations and then set out to find them in the bible.

I found these 20 verses and I am sharing a round up with you here.

1. You are not Forgotten

Isaiah 49:15-16

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion

 on the child she has born? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

2. You are Mine

Isaiah 43:1 

But now, this is what the Lord says—

he who created you, Jacob,

he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

3. You are Beautiful

Ecclesiastes 3:11 

He has made everything beautiful in its time. 

He has also set eternity in the human heart...

4. You are Loved

John 3:16 

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, 

that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

5. I celebrate you

Luke 15:23-24

Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 

For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; 

he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

6. I choose you

Thessalonians 1:4 

For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you,

7. You are wonderful

Psalm 139:14

...I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

8. You have purpose

Romans 8:28 

And we know that in all things God works for the good 

of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

9. You complete Me

1 John 4:12

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, 

God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

10. I will dry your tears

Revelation 21:3–4 

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 

“Behold, the dwelling of God is with humanity, 

and he will take up residence with them, 

and they will be his people 

and God himself will be with them. 

And he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, 

and death will not exist any longer, 

and mourning or wailing or pain will not exist any longer. 

The former things have passed away.”

11. You are known

1 Samuel 16:7

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height,

 for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at.

 People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

12. You are forgiven

Psalm 103:12 

as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our 

transgressions from us.

13. You are precious

Isaiah 43:4

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you,

I will give people in exchange for you,

nations in exchange for your life.

14. I hope you dance

Jeremiah 31:4

Once again I will rebuild you.

Once again you will take up your tambourines and dance joyfully.

15. You are valuable

Matthew 10:29-31

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? 

Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 

And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 

So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

16. You are royal

1 Peter 2:9 

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, 

God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him 

who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

17. You are seen

Genesis 16:13 

She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her:

 “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, 

“I have now seen the One who sees me.”

18. I am always with you

Matthew 28:20

“...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

19. I delight in you

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you,

the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you;

in his love he will no longer rebuke you,

but will rejoice over you with singing.”

20. You are wanted

Romans 5:8 

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: 

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

So I discovered, yes, God does love us, in simple words.

And there is no greater love.

John 15:13

Goodbye 2018, Hello to Trusting God's Goodness

I didn't intend for this to be a "New Year's Reflection" post, but alas, it is. I'm just going to share what I wrote in my journal today, I hope it resonates with you.

12.30.18

I feel compelled to share my thoughts and revelations as of late but as I sit to write, they are a mash of unfinished thoughts and excitements swirling around in my heard, refusing to connect or organize. I am tired and I need a nap, but while my son is napping I want to take this time to write. I want to record these thoughts so I do not forget them when they are needed. Holy Spirit, please work in me to organize what I am trying to communicate.

Today during, church, I teared up because suddenly I was overcome with the overwhelming feeling of gratefulness for how blessed I am. I am free to worship in a church, that is decorated beautifully for Christmas, with other believers who are kind and caring. It dawned on me just the other day, that I pray for blessing and protection daily, and you know what? God has blessed me and and protected me and my family, DAILY, this year. Month after month, I reflect on God's answered prayers and have overlooked the huge one that God has answered for me every day. I have been praying for blessing and protections as a response to fear of a future attack while overlooking and taking for granted the fact that God has been doing that in my life, DAILY.

God has also been faithful to reveal himself to me in new and exciting ways this year. It has been a year of learning to trust God. I struggle with conflicting emotions. I daily recognize that I am so unbelievably blessed and filled with joy at that, and also, at the same time, filled with incredible sadness and fear and confusion about what is going on in our world. I want God to use me and to do great things for Him, and yet at the same time I just want to be comfortable and at peace in my little safe bubble.

I have been feeling guilty over my lack of trust in God. I BEG for His protection every day and I am terrified of something horrible happening to my family. A few weeks go, I was listening to a Proverbs 31 Ministries podcast, lead by Lysa Teurkerst and something jumped out at me. Do you know who else was terrified and BEGGED God to take the cup from him? Jesus. In the garden of Gesthemane, just before Jesus was taken into custody to die a brutal death on the cross, he prayed and begged God for another way, for a less painful way, and easier way, a safer way. But he ultimately prayed for God's will to be done and He was obedient, even to the point of death on a cross.

God is not condemning me for wanting a safe, peaceful, comfortable life -- He want's the best possible life for us too. But because we live in an imperfect world, sometimes he might allow hurt in our lives in order to make us better and to prepare us for the perfect world He intended for us. Sometimes it might be hurt so unbearable, we will never understand it in this lifetime. But I know this, as much as I want peace and comfort in this life, I want God's will for my life and this world, because I know God is good. So this year I choose to trust in the LORD no matter what comes my way -- the good, the bad, and the ugly. That doesn't mean that I am always going to like or understand it, but I will trust.

My pastor spoke this morning on having "Chazown" or vision in our lives. He shared and incredible prayer by Sir Francis Drake:

I do not want to think small. I do not want underestimate what is possible. The Disney Princess in my sings at the top of her lungs "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere!" Would Belle have gotten her fairy tale ending if her father had not been imprisoned by the beast? Would she have had a happy ending if she had not sacrificed and pushed through and persevered to get to know the beast? No!

God, unsettle me this year, give me adventure in the great wide somewhere (which may just be trying to potty train a toddler this year, but that's OK too!) but most importantly, create in my a pure heart, who longs for you and your will, and trusts in you. Amen.

Happy New Year!

Mr. Rogers Inspired 1st Birthday Party!

This post is several month's old, but we are headed to my niece's birthday party today, and this has been sitting in my drafts for quite a while now. Baby's taking a nap so I decided to go for it.
Welcome to Baby's 1st birthday party!
I chose to do a "Mr. Roger's" themed party because of his wonderful positivity and this awesome quote:

Originally I had all of these cute ideas for a "Pinterest" worthy party, as I was feeling the pressure to live up to the super adorable themed parties friends had recently thrown for their kiddos, but alas, I just didn't have the time or the energy to make everything happen.
I was feeling disappointed that all of my ideas weren't going to come to fruition the way I wanted it to until I was reading "The Finishing School" by Val Woerner. She has a chapter about hosting and the quote that stuck out to me was something along the lines of "hosting isn't about people leaving your home feeling better about you, it's about leaving your home feeling better about themselves."
As long as your event has good food and places for people to sit then that's really all that maters! So I ditched all of my cutesy little food ideas and forewent spending exorbitant amounts of money on decorations and went with Costco and Walmart, and a few homemade touches :)

My mom painted this sign for the entry. And it now hangs in his room!

 Who needs an expensive custom made cake? Costco Cake + Red Vines equals crazy delicious!(anyone get that reference?)

We asked people to dress in theme by wearing their best Mr. Rogers style Cardigan.
My "Raising Tomorrow" shirt is from Ford & Wyatt.

He burned his little finger on the candle right before we sang to him so he cried all the way through his birthday song :'(

I lucked out and found this little mini cake at a local grocery store the morning of his birthday. I knew they usually had them, but I there was only one generic cake and the rest were graduation!

Our friends and family blessed us with so many sweet gifts and letters.
I wouldn't wish being president on my worst enemy but it's fun to think of his future achievements, dreams and talents!

I hope you enjoyed this glimpse at our fun, colorful 1st birthday party for our baby boy!
And I leave you with this:
It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
It's a neighborly day in this beautywood
A neighborly day for a beauty
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you
So let's make the most of this beautiful day
Since we're together, we might as well say
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?
Won't you please
Won't you please
Please won't you be my neighbor?