Teach Me to Number My Days

I am a worrier. At any given moment I am going around in circles in my mind thinking over the things I have said and done and how they are perceived by others, constantly. Not only recent things, but things from months, or even years ago. I am a people-pleaser. I care a lot about what people think of me and I am bothered by the times I have let people down or disappointed them, or came across as awkward or stupid.

Twice this past week God has pointed out to me, that I care more about pleasing others than I do about pleasing him. The first time came right after I had been in one of those downward spirals. I was listening to a podcast on my way to work. I had thought about turning it off and listing to music, but something kept me listening. Then, right as I pulled into the parking lot, I heard it: "If you feel this bad about unintentionally letting someone down, but not when you let me down, then who are you living for?" 

Boom. Convicted.

"Okay God." I said. "I get it, I'll try to stop fretting over things I cannot change. I'm sorry."

A few days later I was listening to another podcast and the same theme of people pleasing came up again. Whenever I notice reoccurring themes, I pay attention. I acknowledged it and tucked it away for later...

I was praying over cancer this morning. I prayed for God to put an end to it. I prayed for God to miraculously heal people from it. I prayed for God to use it for His glory. As I prayed about cancer, I thought to myself about what I would do if I knew I was dying. I imagined that I would abandon all worries of what other people think and be relentless in sharing about Jesus.

then...

LIGHTBULB.

I realized immediately why God spoke to me about people pleasing: It would take me knowing that I am dying to be all out for Jesus? Right now I care more about what people might or might not think about me than I care about sharing the love of Jesus.

BOOM. CONVICTED.

Earth to Barbie: I am already dying! I am slowly dying a little with each passing second. I am going to die someday, and I could die at any moment. Why am I waiting for a diagnosis to kick things into motion? The bible says this:

Psalm 90:12

Teach us to number our days,

that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

My days are numbered. And the amazing thing is, that God has numbered them. He knew this moment was going to happen, long before I existed. He knew that I would be listening to podcasts this week. He knew that my uncle was going to have cancer and pass away, causing me to begin praying over cancer. He knew that praying for cancer would cause me think about what I would do if I was dying. He knew that in that moment, he was going to tie it all together.

Psalm 139:1-6

O LORD, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, O LORD, you know it completely. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it. 

As much as it pains me to know that people I respect and admire will roll their eyes as I share my faith, it would pain me more for them to never know the love of Christ, and to know that I didn't share it. I want to be like Jesus's disciples, joyfully proclaiming the goodness of God!

Luke 19:37-40

When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:

“Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!”

“Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!”

Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!”

“I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”

Grace & Peace,

Come A L I V E

The leaves are beginning to turn color. They are drying up, dying and falling to the ground. Usually at this time each year, I feel a piece of my soul dying with each leaf that hits the ground.  I'm usually singing "Wake Me Up When September Ends" as the pain of change takes place. You see, I love the summer. I feel most alive in the summer. I am more creative and more rested. I have more time to spend with my family and friends as well as out in God's beautiful nature. September, however, means vacation is over. September means, the sun and the flowers are on their way out. Everything goes from alive and green to dry and brown, and then (in Oregon anyway) eventually, wet and gray.

Yet, this September something feels different to me. As things slowly begin to die, I find myself thinking over the word ALIVE. "Hmm," I think to myself, "that's not a normal word for September".
Nevertheless, I write the word down above September in my prayer journal.

As I stare at the word in my journal, the song "Come Alive (Dry Bones)" by Lauren Daigle, keeps playing on repeat in my head. I take it as a cue to search for the phrase in my bible app, and it leads me to Ezekiel 37. I don't recall ever actually having read this passage of the bible before now. If you haven't read it before either, I encourage you do so! To summarize;
The prophet Ezekiel has a vision in which God brings him to a valley filled with vastly old and dry bones and God speaks to him:

3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”
4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

If you go on to finish the passage, you will find out that Ezekiel cries out to the dry bones to come alive, and before his eyes and entire army of skeletons turn into flesh. Can you imagine? What an amazing vision.

I no longer feel like a part of me is dying as I head into the fall.
I feel ALIVE.
I am excited for what God will do in the months to come.
Every day is an opportunity to see God at work.
This will be a year of dry bones coming to life.
Starting with me..

Grace & Peace,

Jesus Koolaid, Mean Girls & Word Vomit

This picture has nothing to do with this post, other than that the flower is pink, and "on Wednesday's we wear pink"
It only makes sense if you've seen Mean girls.

For anyone that has read my blog from the beginning (like all 2 of you) you may have noticed that the direction of my blog has changed recently. Well, it has something to do with the whole "Jesus doing something new in me" thing from my last post. In other words, I've drank the Jesus Koolaid and I like it.

For those of you who don't know me, I was raised in a Christian home and I accepted Christ around the age of 7. I've never thought of myself as "lukewarm" Christian, but maybe I was. I have definitely been through hot and cold seasons of my faith and I have been a timid Christian, but I feel like God used motherhood (among other things) in my life to WAKE ME UP. It seems as though this awakening in me happened gradually and all at once at the same time. It's like mean girls--Jesus is Regina George and I'm obsessed with her--I mean Him--and he's not a self absorbed hussy--am I allowed to talk about Jesus and Mean Girls in the same sentence? I don't think so. Father forgive me for trying to be funny with a pop-culture reference (insert laughing emoji, oops I did it again.) 

I recently saw a social media post from one of my favorite Christian writers, Trillia Newbell, in which she shared a conversation she had with faith-based musician and author Michael Card, he said that he "wanted to spend the rest of his life learning about and communicating about Jesus." When I read that I thought to myself, "That's it! That's what I want to do!"

I hope to still share about the things that bring me joy--art, travel, creating, entertaining, home-making, relationships--however, because the thing that brings me the most joy is my relationship with Jesus, all of these things now have His filter over them. I now find myself asking, "how can I bring Jesus into this?" all the time!!

So if you stick around, I hope to present to you interesting content and beautiful images to look at it, but Jesus is where my heart and my attention are! If you read this whole thing, thanks for listening to my unfiltered word vomit!

Grace & Peace,