I am a worrier. At any given moment I am going around in circles in my mind thinking over the things I have said and done and how they are perceived by others, constantly. Not only recent things, but things from months, or even years ago. I am a people-pleaser. I care a lot about what people think of me and I am bothered by the times I have let people down or disappointed them, or came across as awkward or stupid.
Twice this past week God has pointed out to me, that I care more about pleasing others than I do about pleasing him. The first time came right after I had been in one of those downward spirals. I was listening to a podcast on my way to work. I had thought about turning it off and listing to music, but something kept me listening. Then, right as I pulled into the parking lot, I heard it: "If you feel this bad about unintentionally letting someone down, but not when you let me down, then who are you living for?"
Boom. Convicted.
"Okay God." I said. "I get it, I'll try to stop fretting over things I cannot change. I'm sorry."
A few days later I was listening to another podcast and the same theme of people pleasing came up again. Whenever I notice reoccurring themes, I pay attention. I acknowledged it and tucked it away for later...
I was praying over cancer this morning. I prayed for God to put an end to it. I prayed for God to miraculously heal people from it. I prayed for God to use it for His glory. As I prayed about cancer, I thought to myself about what I would do if I knew I was dying. I imagined that I would abandon all worries of what other people think and be relentless in sharing about Jesus.
then...
LIGHTBULB.
I realized immediately why God spoke to me about people pleasing: It would take me knowing that I am dying to be all out for Jesus? Right now I care more about what people might or might not think about me than I care about sharing the love of Jesus.
BOOM. CONVICTED.
Earth to Barbie: I am already dying! I am slowly dying a little with each passing second. I am going to die someday, and I could die at any moment. Why am I waiting for a diagnosis to kick things into motion? The bible says this:
Psalm 90:12
Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
My days are numbered. And the amazing thing is, that God has numbered them. He knew this moment was going to happen, long before I existed. He knew that I would be listening to podcasts this week. He knew that my uncle was going to have cancer and pass away, causing me to begin praying over cancer. He knew that praying for cancer would cause me think about what I would do if I was dying. He knew that in that moment, he was going to tie it all together.
Psalm 139:1-6
O LORD, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, O LORD, you know it completely. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it.
As much as it pains me to know that people I respect and admire will roll their eyes as I share my faith, it would pain me more for them to never know the love of Christ, and to know that I didn't share it. I want to be like Jesus's disciples, joyfully proclaiming the goodness of God!
Luke 19:37-40
When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:
“Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!”
“Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!”
Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!”
“I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”
Grace & Peace,
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